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BURGER OFF, RIH! Eva Simpson & Caroline Hedley ALL the talk of Rihanna being the "new Beyonce" has clearly gone to her head. The R&B starlet began throwing her weight around at Nottingham's Oceana club after playing the city's Hallam FM Arena on Monday. Like a true diva, Rihanna demanded the VIP section be cleared, champagne on the house, and burgers all round. When staff politely pointed out that they weren't a fast-food joint, the stroppy 18-year-old - whose hits include Pon De Replay and SOS - ordered her flunkies to get a takeout. Oceana's deputy manager Barry James tells us: "Rihanna was an absolute nightmare, she was being a right diva. "She turned up unexpectedly and her management ordered us to clear the entire VIP section. They wouldn't let anybody within about five foot of her. "Then she demanded burgers for all 17 of her entourage and when we explained we weren't a burger bar she sent someone out to McDonald's. "Rihanna and her people also expected free Dom Perignon champagne and vodka all night. In the end we had to ask them to leave if they weren't going to buy any drinks at all - at which point they dipped in their pockets. "We wouldn't have minded if she hadn't been such a nightmare." It'll be the club sending out an SOS if you venture back there, love!

The Ultimate Dance Duo: Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers http://blinditems.typepad.com/dish/

Wrong Move UGH! Queen Latifah had it! She looked beautiful from head to toe and then had to go and eff it up with that fugly, white wig! I know it was the "Hairspray" premiere and she probably wanted to do something different, but went from looking like an elegant lady to looking like a $3 hooker. Drop the wig! That looks cheaper than Barbie hair. It's like the hair from bootleg Barbies you buy at the swap meet. http://www.dlisted.com/

Who's Getting All Grabby? Filed under: Guess Who , Package Watch It's Rebecca Gayheart and her hubby Eric Dane. Posted by: Kimberly London http://socialitelife.com/2007/07/02/whos_g..._all_grabby.php

Oscar Post-Party Fug: Jenna Jameson I know Jenna Jameson is a famed porn star, and therefore we shouldn't anticipate that she would abide by the standards of normalcy applied to much of the rest of the sentient world. But, something's gone awry there. Consider Ms. Jameson at the Big in '06 awards late last year: Boobalicious, and certainly not all-natural by any stretch of the imagination, but she's still a pretty girl and you can see why she's had such a long and, er, active career. So we were rather alarmed to see the condition of her face at an Oscar afterparty this past Sunday night. Whatever doctor did her lip injections gives new meaning to the slam, "Quack." Unless she was actually mauled by a particularly contrary duck that wanted nothing more than to clamp down on her freshly fluffed lips until they froze that way. She also, generally speaking, looks like a particularly large pothole on a ten-mile stretch of rough road, but we can probably attribute that to the rigors of her profession. The most disastrous turn of events seems to be her mouth; apparently she learned nothing from the Jessica Simpson Restylane Debacle, nor the parade of Us Weekly covers that followed (their hobby of late is printing photos of J.Simp looking like an especial quackhead). Come on, Jenna -- hop off the sex-swing, unhook the leg cuffs, put your hip back into joint, pull the mask off your face and at least try leafing through something shallow at a newstand. Or, better, at yourself. It's not good. http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yo..._postparty.html

MELANIE C HITS OUT AS LESBIAN RUMOUR-MONGERS http://www.holymoly.co.uk/news/28/melanie-...ngers-1702.html Spice Girl Melanie 'Never a big fan of' Chisholm has hit out at the constant rumours of lesbianism that have (ahem) dogged her career. She can rightly point out that she has been dating the same man for five years (and surely marriage is just around the corner), young Thomas Starr, who is variously described as a 'property developer' and a 'semi-professional beard'. The fact she was pictured playing in the sea with her female assistant didn't help, and neither did the huge set of muscles and the cropped hair. Melanie shared her ever so girly thoughts with Cosmopolitan magazine. "At first that made me laugh because it wasn't something that ever crossed my mind," she roared, hoisting up her dungarees and tightening her tool belt, "And then it kind of pissed me off when I thought, 'Because I have short hair and am quite muscular with a few tattoos, am I the stereotypical lesbian?'" Erm, yes, pretty much. Luckily, it's all worked out well for the spinster. "I don't think it did me any harm. I've always had a huge lesbian and gay following." It's always good to have a huge lesbian following, Mel. She can watch your back.

Tracy Morgan Chats with TMZ Filed under: Tracy Morgan If I had to pick a favorite celebrity drunk driver, Tracey Morgan would definitely be my number one. I'd probably even let him run me over, as long as he promised to do the robot as he was backing up. TMZ recently ran into the star of "30 Rock," who jokingly told their videographer, "Stop writing bad things about me, man." After a pretty mundane encounter, in which they filmed him signing an autograph and posing for a picture with a fan, Tracey spilled that he's got a movie in the works with Ice-Cube, a comedy entitled, "First Sunday." Oh, how I wish it were with Ice-T, so that Coco could possibly make a cameo. Posted by: Lisa Timmons http://socialitelife.com/2007/05/03/tracy_...ts_with_tmz.php

Golden Globes Well-Played: America Ferrera There are many things I like about America Ferrera. For one thing, I think she's adorable on Ugly Betty, in a role that could too easily be cloying, or sad-sack-y. I loved her in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, not that I saw that, or cried at it. And I love that she's probably the only actress her age in Hollywood currently sporting her own hair, breasts and teeth. I also love her in this dress: The color and the cut are both really good on her: they flatter her skin tone and her body without being boring. She looks tall and curvy. Which, by the way, I don't mean as a Euphemism For Fat. I hate the fact that "curvy" now means, in Secret Hollywood Patois, "tubby." For example, according to Star Magazine, Jessica Alba recently said to a journalist, "I know I'm curvy. I'm working on it." Fast-forward to Jessica Alba dropping ten pounds she didn't need to drop. CURVY IS GOOD, PEOPLE. Curvy is sexy and feminine, not Marlon-Brando-In-A- MuuMuu-Fat. Women -- all women: naturally very thin women, naturally not so thin women, flat-chested women, big-breasted women, ALL WOMEN -- have, as we learned from America's debut film, some curves of some size somewhere on their body. IT'S OKAY. I was thinking about this yesterday (in between trying to figure out what our government should do about Darfur and meditating on the existence of God in the 21st century, obviously), and I came to the conclusion that I seriously think America is so freaking cute and fresh-faced, and her body looks GREAT here, and therefore, I really hate the idea that at some point, she is going to drop twenty pounds and start Mystic-Tanning the shit out of herself, just because someone told her she had to do that to be considered for more mainstream roles. Because you KNOW someone is going to do that. Because, as you may have noticed, as a rule, certain people in Hollywood tend to have their heads up their asses regarding the subject of How All Women Are Supposed To Look In Order To Be Considered Sexy. When, really, America shouldn't do a thing: as Mark Darcy said to Bridget Jones, we like her very much. Just as she is. Which, for the record, is adorable in a perfectly-tailored purpley/navy number. Go Fug Yourself

Grammy Awards Fug: Carrie Underwood Carrie Underwood has a habit of showing up at award shows looking like a million bucks on the red carpet and then changing into something that makes her look more like five bucks. Behold: Red Carpet: "What a cute girl," you might say. "I love things that are sparkly. She looks sexy and age-appropriate!" And then: "Interesting," you might say. "Why did that cute girl change into a morose lampshade? How loud do you think that skirt is when she tries to sit down?" And then: "That cute girl looks like she's wearing her nightgown. Why is she wearing her nightgown? She's not at home, watching the Grammys in bed, eating bon bons and painting her toenails, like we are. Could she have had some kind of head injury backstage leading her to believe that in fact she was singing into her hairbrush in her bedroom? How very sad. How very sad, indeed. Maybe they should give her an award to snap her back into reality." Go Fug Yourself

More tales from the limo drivers of LA: One driver picked up this movie star from the film studio and was asked to stop at the gates so that a young, female and very eager fan could climb into the back den and make the terrible hour long journey to the airport pass a little quicker. To the driver's surprise, our star elected not to raise the screen between them, so he drove to LAX with one eye on the road and the other on the heaving buttocks of the young vixen in the back of the car. Arriving at the airport, our verminous idiot dumped her at arrivals without even so much as a lift back. He did leave the driver a tip, though. A small shot glass filled with...essence of Foxx, which he had carefully collected at the moment of passion, probably to save on any extra cleaning bill. http://www.holymoly.co.uk/mailout.html

OT: Thank you, Hoya. My books are due tomorrow and you just reminded me that I have to renew online. (I also just want to say thanks to everyone for all the great reading ideas in these threads. I mostly just lurk in this forum because by the time I get to reading your suggestions, they're old news here.)

Chloe Sevigny Or Chrissy Crocker? http://www.dlisted.com/ Chloe Sevigny dressed as Joan of Arc for V Magazine's Halloween party at the Rose Bar in NYC yesterday. I'd like to think she dressed as Chrissy Crocker in 3 months. You know, when his 15 are up, he gets kicked out of his house in Los Angeles and is begging on the streets of West Hollywood. He'll eventually find a job as a dirty extra in a porn movie called "Joan of Cock." Seriously, they really look alike. Below is Chrissy at the Vagina Megastore in Hollywood buying BS' CD the other night.

BULLSHIT ITA, tyler. That was never gonna happen - did she even keep a straight face when she said it? *puts on pouty face and puppy dog eyes* "If you say that, I'll walk away with nothing..."

Heather Mills Continues Her "Woe Is Me" Media Tour http://www.dlisted.com/ Heather Mills has brought her bitching and moaning to the States! Heather appeared on both "Today" and "Good Morning America" to talk about how the media is so mean to her. She also used this time to bash Paul McCartney again. Heather said that Paul doesn't care that the media attack on her is driving her to consider suicide. She also said she records all conversations with Paul and that he didn't want a quick and pleasant divorce. She said the reason they split up was due to money and Paul didn't want to give to charity. Heather also said she told Paul if he admits to the public that he's the reason why their marriage failed, she'd walk away clean and without a cent. She said, “He promised he'd do that and I have evidence of that. He did nothing. “Why do you think I had to record every single conversation? Because nobody will believe me. I have pleaded, I have begged, he knows I was at suicide point and still, nothing has been done.” She wants to move to America, but Paul doesn't want his daughter to have an American accent. I don't blame him! Heather! Please! It's not that serious. Go be with the animals and shit. They are your friends and you love them. You're like the one-legged Snow White. She is driving herself mad. She is beyond needing a joint to calm her ass down. Bitch needs an exorcism!

Heather... STFU ...please. Your 15 minutes are over and everybody hates you. You blew it. Nobody wants to hear your crap anymore. End of story.

I think if we know - and the rest of the gossip world knows - that Tracey knows. They probably have an "arrangement".

Heather Mills Needs A Joint http://www.dlisted.com/ Calm down Heather! You still have that enormous diamond ring. Heather Mills went on GMTV this morning to cry...cry....cry.....about how awful her life is. Heather is currently embroiled in a messy divorce from Paul McCartney. Here's what Heather has to boo-hoo about: $3 Million in debt 18 Months of media abuse with 4,400 abusive articles (she counted?) She compared herself to Kate McCann (mother of Madeline) She compared herself to Princess Diana She's hated more than paedophiles She went on and on about how the media is portraying her as a whore and gold digger and making her go crazy. Heather said all the dollar figures have basically been made up and how do we even know she's asking for anything? She said, "These figures are made up, £100 million, £50 million, £20 million. How do you know if I even want any money? I am £1.5 million in debt in lawyers' fees. That's as much as I can say or I go to jail, for telling the truth." She denied she's trying to sell her story, but said she's on a gag order form the courts. She's getting death threats from some underground movement and she's even considered killing herself. “I considered killing myself because I thought if I am dead, she [my daughter] can be safe with her father.” Heather said that if anything happens to her she has a box of evidence that will go to a "certain person." DRAMA!!! I need a drink and I think Heather needs one too. Heather is suffering from Britneyitis. She claims she wants to be left alone yet she goes out into the media to create more stories. She shouldn't have done this interview (she did another one later in the morning) if she wanted the media to leave her alone. Heather stay inside and please smoke a bowl. You need to calm the hell down!

Not What He Needs http://www.dlisted.com/ Owen Wilson is barely getting over a traumatic experience and he's already getting into another horrendous nightmare. Star Magazine reports that Owen Wilson is dating Jessica Simpson. The two were seen having dinner at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica this past weekend. After dinner they went to Owen's Malibu home. A witness said, "He couldn't keep his hands off her." He was probably trying to cover up her gaping mouth! The two hung out on October 16th in Austin. Both were there to shoot Willie Nelson's video. This is not what Owen needs. Dating that annoying slag would send the sanest person over the edge.

Grease Is Not The Word http://www.dlisted.com/ This has got to be a joke. Michelle Pfeiffer is quoted as saying that she's been offered a role in a remake of "Grease" and that Jessica Simpson has been asked to play Sandy. Did hell freeze over and I didn't get the memo? She said, "It's a great idea and I hear they would like to get Jessica Simpson for the role of Sandy, she would be good. I would love to play the school principal. She is fun and has some great put-down lines. I think I would like the part now that I have been asked." Jessica Simpson?! Bitch is too old! Michelle Pfeiffer NOW would make a better Sandy. Michelle also starred in Grease 2 and says she regrets making it. "I hated that film with a vengeance and could not believe how bad it was. At the time I was young and didn't know any better." Grease 2 is the greatest movie she ever made and she shouldn't have any regrets. Grease 2 is a masterpiece! " I want a cool rider, a cool cool cool cool rider. I want a cool rider, a cool cool cool cool rider. I want a c-oo-l r-i-d-e-r."

Keep The Crimp Away! http://www.dlisted.com/ Crimping was never hot (OK, maybe just a little) but Fergie needs to leave that shit alone! It does nothing for her face, but what does? Yeah, that's a good question.

Amy Fisher Has A Sex Tape http://www.dlisted.com/ Amy Fisher's hubby, Lou Bellara, said he regrets selling off a sex tape he made with her. Lou sold the tape after Amy dumped him to start dating Joey Buttafuoco again. Lou told The New York Post, "We were estranged. She was seeing Joey. I was seething about the whole thing. It just came to a point where I was hurt and embarrassed by it . . . and it pressed the wrong button. I just used that as a vehicle to strike back at her." The couple got back together this past Summer and that's when Lou told Amy he sold the tape. She said, "It's all fun and games. I never thought that ... anything like this would ever happen. I mean that's my husband, not some guy down the road." The tape called "Amy Fisher Caught On Tape" is available from Red Light District. This was bound to happen. At least it's not a sex tape with Joey? That's not something my eyeballs could take, but I'd be too curious to not look. He probably has squirrel nuts. And this time around Amy's the one that gets a load in the face. I know, I know. You can spank me later. He's an old photo of Amy with Lou. Sexy times.

Heather Mills Killed A Dog! http://www.dlisted.com/ Sandra Rowbury claims Heather Mills basically killed her 5-year-old Weimaraner bitch, Glow. Sandra lives near Heather and said a fireworks show given by Heather scared her poor pooch to death. Heather didn't warn her neighbors of the 20-minute fireworks display that went up at her mansion. Sandra said, "As far as I'm concerned she has hurt my animals. I am distraught Glow died. "It was a huge display - the size of a town's celebrations. Everyone else lets people know if they are planning fireworks, so they can move their animals or give them sedatives. She calls herself an animal lover, but she showed no respect for the animals around here." Call PETA! Glow will have her revenge! Sir Paul will receive an anonymous fax with damaging info on Heather and she won't get a dime. Glow will make sure this happens.

Where Has The Love Gone? http://www.dlisted.com/ Eva Mendes' stupid ass said in an interview that working with Joaquin Phoenix on "We Own The Night" was "kind of like working with a puppy dog or a 2-year-old." Don't mess with a man on the sauce. And of course Joaquin had to fire back. He said, "Had I known I was supposed to be a puppy dog, I would have been much more cute and more consistently attentive. My apologies, Eva, but I had a few other scenes that you weren't in. This puppy dog had a lot of work to do." That was actually kind of nice of Joaquin! I mean he's known for blowing his top, so I'm proud of him. He should've said, "Well, working with Eva was like working with puppy shit! Except puppy shit has more personality and talent."

Pink News Thank you, NYCat.

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