Jump to content
KikiTopaz

Did he cross the line??

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

We had a vote this November on our ballot to change our state constitution saying marriage is only between one man and one woman. The initiative did not pass. Many people support our LGBT community. So, fast forward to Thanksgiving. My father-in-law, who is quite vocal in his distaste of anything Democrat turned to my 10 month old granddaughter and asked her if she liked little

boys or little girls. It's none of his damn business what her sexual orientation will be. She's only 10 months old! Is this just plain idiotic, or am I over-reacting? I know he only said it to get a reaction from me and my adult children (we're the only Democrats on that side of the family). I wanted to punch him in the mouth.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like a lovely human being (and I reason I'd drink for family get togethers) :angry:

 

I don't have kids - I feel like I need to say that all the time, but it may or may not be relevant to how you evaluate my opinion.

 

I think he was out of line. My dad and a recently departed uncle by marriage (with whom I was quite close) spent my college and young adult years teasing me mercilessly about my political beliefs. So much that when I'd go for dinner, I made sure to bring my roommate or another supportive friend with me. I grew up enough to realize they were just doing it to get me going and they both love to debate. So I started ignoring the obvious button pushing and we all got along better. And could even enjoy intelligent - NOT hurtful - debates.

 

There were times when I said to both of them in all seriousness that they had gone too far and their statements were inappropriate. That is what I probably would have said to your FIL - that he can tease you all you want but leave the kids OUT of the discussion. Period. But he has to respect and care for YOU enough to respect that.

 

He's your FIL, so you either have to see him all the time and need to figure out how to deal with this, or you have a strained relationship and only see him twice a year at holidays and you just drink more :wacko:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is highly inappropriate to be asking a 10 month old anything that has to do with sex, and I would have said so in that exact phrase in a calm and nutural tone to FIL. If you say it calmly and without attacking, but perhaps with a raised eyebrow you'll (hopefully) make him feel foolish and he'll stop. You are not being unreasonable.

 

My Dad's wife (who is NOT old enough to be my mother <_< ) is very anti-gay. She knows better to ask me about it after our last conversation. She said "but the bible says it's a sin, don't you care about that?". I said "the bible also says women shouldn't own property, are you willing to change your pre-nup to comply with that too?". Yes, I had a few glasses of wine in me :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to say exactly what I think, and what I would do: I do not tolerate bullshit like this from any family member regardless of whether they are an in-law or direct relative. If you are in my house, you need to behave as a person with good sense and manners and if you are unable or unwilling to do so, you will be told to gather your stuff and LEAVE. If this happened at someone else's house and I didn't like the connotation of the conversation, then I would gather my stuff and LEAVE. I've reached the age of liberation finally and don't feel that anyone is entitled to goad me, bait me, or otherwise piss me off regarding things that are really none of their business. If they bring young ones into a conversation inappropriately, I'll say so and tell them to knock it off.

 

Life is way too short to put up with people who want to do nothing but belittle you and make you feel inferior with their snide nasty-nice remarks. The sooner you empower yourself and not allow them to do that any longer, the better you will feel. I wish I had this attitude years ago, it would have saved me much upset over the stupid things that family members think is okay to do and say over matters that are none of their business.

 

Rant over. Good luck to you Kikitopaz.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is highly inappropriate to be asking a 10 month old anything that has to do with sex, and I would have said so in that exact phrase in a calm and nutural tone to FIL. If you say it calmly and without attacking, but perhaps with a raised eyebrow you'll (hopefully) make him feel foolish and he'll stop. You are not being unreasonable.

By the way, I do also think it would be inappropriate to ask a 10 month old if she had a boyfriend too. I realize the FIL did not specifically say sex, but it was implied and clearly meant to get you angry. Instead of getting angry if you can make him look like a idiot perv, he'll stop the behavior. And if it doesn't stop, then call him the "idiot perv" :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are awesome! I was hoping I wasn't imagining this guy is a total jerk.

I am fully prepared for the next get together over the holidays. If he says one word about politics during Christmas Eve, I am going to take him aside and tell him that my parents raised me to know there is a time and a place for political debates. Family holiday gatherings are not one of them. If he wishes to continue to alienate his family, we will be more than happy to leave. If he dares to involve my granddaughter in any of his bullshit, then he will face the dire consequences as follows: Our lake cabin will be off limits to him. He will no longer be invited. Ever.

( I don't encourage violence but I would be very happy to kick his ass as well.)

Knowing him the way I do, he will argue that the cabin also belongs to his son (my husband) and I don't have the right to stop him from coming. Won't he be surprised when my husband backs ME on the decision! Mr. Topaz refused to discuss this situation at first, (I think he was pretty embarrassed about his father's stupidity) but he now sees my point that it was mean spirited and his father should be confronted if it ever happens again.) PS: the stupid sister in law tried to say he was just being funny. I should kick her ass, too.

Thanks everyone! Your support means the world to me! Kiki

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess the trick (for me) is knowing when it really is mean spirited and when it's playful teasing. It's a fine line for some people (for instance, I know my dad is actually a feminist and supports women's rights and gay rights, despite some of his other beliefs. Hell, he raised me to be a strong, outspoken feminist, so it's his own damn fault when I argue back ;-)

 

Anyway, those who I know love me and support me but who tease me playfully on occasion do get more leeway than jerks who just want to push buttons and are generally unpleasant and unsupportive on a regular basis. Those people I do not spend time with....

 

My in-laws are conservative and have some beliefs I do not agree with. But they are never rude, and that's why we get along so well - there are just some topics that are off the table when we're together......

Edited by Hoyaheel

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are awesome! I was hoping I wasn't imagining this guy is a total jerk.

I am fully prepared for the next get together over the holidays. If he says one word about politics during Christmas Eve, I am going to take him aside and tell him that my parents raised me to know there is a time and a place for political debates. Family holiday gatherings are not one of them. If he wishes to continue to alienate his family, we will be more than happy to leave. If he dares to involve my granddaughter in any of his bullshit, then he will face the dire consequences as follows: Our lake cabin will be off limits to him. He will no longer be invited. Ever.

( I don't encourage violence but I would be very happy to kick his ass as well.)

Knowing him the way I do, he will argue that the cabin also belongs to his son (my husband) and I don't have the right to stop him from coming. Won't he be surprised when my husband backs ME on the decision! Mr. Topaz refused to discuss this situation at first, (I think he was pretty embarrassed about his father's stupidity) but he now sees my point that it was mean spirited and his father should be confronted if it ever happens again.) PS: the stupid sister in law tried to say he was just being funny. I should kick her ass, too.

Thanks everyone! Your support means the world to me! Kiki

 

Good for you, happy to hear your husband is doing the right thing and being supportive. If you think of it, come back to this thread after your holiday and let us know how you made out and how many asses needed kicking! :4biggrin:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are awesome! I was hoping I wasn't imagining this guy is a total jerk.

I am fully prepared for the next get together over the holidays. If he says one word about politics during Christmas Eve, I am going to take him aside and tell him that my parents raised me to know there is a time and a place for political debates. Family holiday gatherings are not one of them. If he wishes to continue to alienate his family, we will be more than happy to leave. If he dares to involve my granddaughter in any of his bullshit, then he will face the dire consequences as follows: Our lake cabin will be off limits to him. He will no longer be invited. Ever.

( I don't encourage violence but I would be very happy to kick his ass as well.)

Knowing him the way I do, he will argue that the cabin also belongs to his son (my husband) and I don't have the right to stop him from coming. Won't he be surprised when my husband backs ME on the decision! Mr. Topaz refused to discuss this situation at first, (I think he was pretty embarrassed about his father's stupidity) but he now sees my point that it was mean spirited and his father should be confronted if it ever happens again.) PS: the stupid sister in law tried to say he was just being funny. I should kick her ass, too.

Thanks everyone! Your support means the world to me! Kiki

 

Good for you, happy to hear your husband is doing the right thing and being supportive. If you think of it, come back to this thread after your holiday and let us know how you made out and how many asses needed kicking! :4biggrin:

 

Glad you and your husband are backing each other up! And don't forget, if you have to tell someone it's funny, then it's clearly NOT FUNNY!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm going to say exactly what I think, and what I would do: I do not tolerate bullshit like this from any family member regardless of whether they are an in-law or direct relative. If you are in my house, you need to behave as a person with good sense and manners and if you are unable or unwilling to do so, you will be told to gather your stuff and LEAVE. If this happened at someone else's house and I didn't like the connotation of the conversation, then I would gather my stuff and LEAVE. I've reached the age of liberation finally and don't feel that anyone is entitled to goad me, bait me, or otherwise piss me off regarding things that are really none of their business. If they bring young ones into a conversation inappropriately, I'll say so and tell them to knock it off.

 

Life is way too short to put up with people who want to do nothing but belittle you and make you feel inferior with their snide nasty-nice remarks. The sooner you empower yourself and not allow them to do that any longer, the better you will feel. I wish I had this attitude years ago, it would have saved me much upset over the stupid things that family members think is okay to do and say over matters that are none of their business.

 

Rant over. Good luck to you Kikitopaz.

I agree and would extend it to co-workers, friends, neighbors .... even members of the general public. some may consider it a bad attitude, but it really does make you feel better and saves you so much stress.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Dad's wife (who is NOT old enough to be my mother <_< ) is very anti-gay. She knows better to ask me about it after our last conversation. She said "but the bible says it's a sin, don't you care about that?". I said "the bible also says women shouldn't own property, are you willing to change your pre-nup to comply with that too?". Yes, I had a few glasses of wine in me :D

 

Perfect.

 

I don't think he really expected an answer from a 10 month old. I mean really, how verbal is a 10 month old? Having said that, it was a pretty obnoxious question and I wouldn't appreciate it being asked of anybody.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it was a pretty obnoxious question and I wouldn't appreciate it being asked of anybody.

Exactly! It's no one's business what your sexual orientation is and the mere fact that it was asked of a ten month old (she doesn't speak yet, just squeaks and giggles) is beyond comprehension. My opinion is that my father-in-law is a bully and that's the nicest thing I can say about him right now.

UPDATE: the sister in law asked him about the situation and he totally denied it. Christmas Eve is going to be very interesting. I promise to give a full report.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

UPDATE: the sister in law asked him about the situation and he totally denied it. Christmas Eve is going to be very interesting. I promise to give a full report.

Is this the same SIL that claimed it was a joke??

 

I wish you luck, that is a rotten way to spend the holidays on guard like that. Perhaps you could use the ChitChat Bitch Slapping Services, we'd be willing even if he isn't famous :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Complete jerk. I'd exclude him from the next few family gatherings. I wouldn't just tell him to keep his views to himself, because I doubt he would. Nothing works better then shunning someone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Official Update!

The father in law kept his mouth shut for the entire family gathering on Christmas Eve! This is incredible! I'm guessing the sister-in-law must have warned him. Everyone had a great evening!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So glad you were able to enjoy your holidays KikiTopaz!! So much nicer when everyone is nice to each other :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Official Update!

The father in law kept his mouth shut for the entire family gathering on Christmas Eve! This is incredible! I'm guessing the sister-in-law must have warned him. Everyone had a great evening!

 

Really happy it all worked out for you with no further unpleasantness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×